Belle’s mind was abuzz with thoughts as she sifted through her questions and their possible answers. Before she reached home that night, she made a decision that from now on she was going to be an agnostic. She chose this position rather than atheism because she was not fully convinced that God didn’t exist. Maybe, she decided, He was out there but just not interested in what happened to mankind.
Since she was now an agnostic, Belle could find no good reason to continue attending church with her parents on Sundays or reading her Bible each morning. With no church on Sunday, she would be able to stay out later on Saturday nights dancing and use her Bible-reading time for study. Belle could see that her parents were not happy about her decision to stop attending church, but neither did they try to force her to go with them each Sunday.
Her first year at the University of British Columbia was everything that Belle had hoped for. She found it easy to keep up her grades and still have time to go to parties and participate in the college drama group. In fact, Belle made so many new friends during her first year at college that in her second year she was elected secretary of the student council, a feat previously unheard of for a sophomore.
Better yet, during her second year at the university Belle fell in love. The object of her affection was a returned soldier from the Great War named Ben. Ben was everything Belle (and her mother) hoped for. He was tall and athletic, a star player on the varsity rugby and basketball teams. He was also charismatic and charming, and although a Baptist, he didn’t take it all too seriously. He liked to dance and have a good time.
For the next two years, as they continued their university studies, Belle and Ben were inseparable. They became unofficially engaged, and Belle’s parents welcomed Ben into the family. And then Belle was struck a bitter blow.
One day during her final year at the University of British Columbia, Belle was walking toward the library with her friend Cora. “I think someone has to tell you this, even though it will hurt. I’m sorry I have to be the one to do it,” Cora said as they walked.
Belle stopped in her tracks and waited for what her friend had to say. What could possibly be that bad?
Cora continued. “Remember when you were sick and Ben asked if he could take Reba to the fraternity ball?”
Belle nodded.
“I hate to say this, but that wasn’t the end of it. Lots of people have seen Ben and Reba around together since then.”
Lots of people except me, Belle thought to herself and then mumbled something like a thank-you to Cora before walking off alone.
A jumble of thoughts flooded Belle’s mind as she walked by herself. Surely Ben would not be seeing another woman behind her back, and certainly not someone on campus. How was that possible? They were supposed to be getting married in a year. Belle couldn’t believe it, but then she couldn’t think of any reason why Cora would lie to her. She decided to confront Ben directly and see whether there was some kind of misunderstanding.
The following day Belle caught up with Ben outside the entrance to the university. She walked up to him and said abruptly, “Someone told me that she’s seen you out with Reba a lot lately. Is that true?”
Ben looked startled. His lips curled into a smile, and his voice became soothing. “Why Isobel, you’re such a softy! You don’t supposed that after we’re married I’m not going to take out another woman if I want to.”
Belle felt her heart skip a beat at Ben’s reply. Then in a trembling voice she said, “Then we part. Good-bye, Ben.”
Belle tried hard to meter her steps and move at a steady pace as she walked away, at least until she was out of sight of Ben. Then she stopped and burst into tears. As waves of humiliation rolled over her, she pondered what she was going to do now. Did everyone on campus except her know that her boyfriend was a womanizer? All of her dreams, all of her hopes, were tied up in marrying Ben, and now they were shattered. Marrying Ben was out of the question.
Chapter 3
Trying Out God
I don’t know what happened between you and Ben, but it can’t be the end of the world, dear. Why don’t you get together and talk it out? That’s the way to handle the situation.”
Belle took a deep breath. It felt like the hundredth time that week she had heard her mother say the same thing. She knew that her mother meant well, but Belle was too heartbroken to talk to anyone about her breaking up with Ben.
The breakup affected every part of Belle’s life. She couldn’t sleep or eat. She had a slim build to begin with, so losing even five pounds made her begin to look haggard. And she was having a hard time focusing on her university studies.
Alice Miller persisted with her daughter. “Look, Belle, you will be twenty years old next week, and two weeks after that it’s Christmas. You have to figure a way to make up with Ben and get your life and relationship back on track. This should be the happiest time of your life, and look at you. Surely there’s something you can do to make things right.”
Belle hardly needed reminding that it was nearly December 17, her birthday. That was also the day she and Ben had planned to tell the world about their engagement. But now that dream was shattered.
As Belle walked out of the kitchen, she tuned her mother’s conversation out. She saw no use in talking to anyone about what had gone wrong between her and Ben. It was time to move on.
Late that night Belle’s father came into her bedroom. He knelt down quietly beside his daughter’s bed and began to pray for her. Belle was still wide awake, however, even though her eyes were closed. The idea that her father was asking God to intervene and help her infuriated Belle. As soon as he stopped for a breath, Belle propped herself up on her elbows and said to him, “Thanks, Dad. I know you mean well, but praying doesn’t go beyond the ceiling. So don’t bother.”
Samuel Miller got slowly up off his knees, groaned, and left the room. Belle tried to will herself to go to sleep after he left, but it was no use. The same haunting thoughts played over and over in her mind. Life is pointless. What does it matter whether I marry Ben or not? What does it matter whether I celebrate my birthday? And what would it matter if I hadn’t been born at all? Life is just a big joke that God plays at our expense.
As the days rolled by, no matter how hard she tried, Belle could not seem to sleep at night. She became more and more exhausted and distraught. Her twentieth birthday came and went, but she barely remembered it. Then one night, a few days before Christmas, things came to a head. Unable to get to sleep, as Belle tossed and turned, she heard the faint whisper of a voice in her head: “You’re never going to be loved the way you want to be loved. Your standards are too high. You’re not going to be happy, so why go on living? There’s no purpose to it all. Why not slip out of bed and go to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom, pick up the bottle marked ‘Poison,’ and drink it. All your troubles will then be over. You will fall into a sleep you will never have to wake from.”
Before she knew it, Belle was out of bed and heading down the hallway to the bathroom. As far as she was concerned, the voice she had heard in her head was right. It was time to end the frustration and misery that her life seemed to have evolved into. It was time to drink the poison and be done with life once and for all.
Belle had her hand on the doorknob to the bathroom door when she heard her father groan in his sleep. Something in his groan cut right through her confused thinking. How can I do this to my father? she thought. If I kill myself, he will spend the rest of his life wondering whether I went to hell, even though I don’t believe such a place exists. Can I do that to him? And how would he handle the headlines that would be sure to follow in the newspaper: “Honors student at University of British Columbia voted most popular kills herself”? What sort of Christmas present would that be?
With that, Belle let go of the doorknob, turned around and tiptoed back to her bedroom. She would not drink the poison.
Back in her bedroom Belle sat on the edge of her bed. As she pondered what had just happened, a line of poetry from a recent poetry test came to mind. The line, which was from Dante Alighieri, was in Latin. In la sua volontade e nostra pace. Belle translated the line into English in her head. In His will is our peace. She pondered how odd it was that this passage should come back to her. Dante believed in God, but even more than that, he seemed to think that peace could be found in God’s will. The idea seemed dry and unappealing, but Belle had nothing better to replace it with, so she struck a bargain with God. In the dark, she lifted her hands in the air and said, “God, if there be a God, if You will prove to me that You are, and if You will give me peace, I will give You my whole life. I’ll do anything You ask me to do, go anywhere You send me, for the rest of my life.”
No stars fell from the sky, and bright lights did not flash around Belle when she finished making her bargain. She climbed into bed and shut her eyes. The following morning she awakened having enjoyed the longest stretch of peaceful sleep since breaking up with Ben.
When Belle awoke, the events of the night before were vivid in her memory. Belle pondered what to do about them. One thing was for certain: she was not going to tell another person about her prayer. That was out of the question. It was a private arrangement between her and God—if He existed—and no one else. Besides, she couldn’t imagine what her parents would do if they knew that she had prayed as she had. Her father would be kneeling at her bedside every night, and her mother would be nagging her into attending every missionary prayer meeting between their house and the Rocky Mountains! No, Belle promised herself, now was not the time to tell anyone about her experiment with God, and maybe the right time would never come.
That night and the night after, Belle slept soundly. She started to feel better about the breakup with Ben, better about her future, and better about the possibilities that lay ahead. In the privacy of her bedroom she started to study the Bible, just the words of Jesus at first, underlining anything that He said to do and promising herself that she would try her best to do them. After her daily Bible reading, she prayed to God for strength and understanding to get through another day.
While nothing dramatic changed on the outside, inside Belle could feel herself thawing. She became more relaxed about her experience with Ben. The bitterness faded, and her life turned from black-and-white back to color once again.
Belle did not realize just how much she had changed inside until her friend Jill invited her to attend her birthday party. Jill’s family had just built a spacious new home in Vancouver, complete with a dance floor in the parlor, and Jill seemed eager to show it off to her friends.
On the night of the party, Belle was dancing with a friend from college when the doorbell rang. With a swish of cold air, a new group of partygoers entered the house. Belle’s heart raced as she recognized two of the new guests—Ben and Reba. How dare they, Belle thought when she saw them. They know Jill is my friend and that I would be here.
Unable to control her trembling, Belle quickly excused herself from her partner and ran upstairs. She slammed the door in the dressing room where she and the other girls had left their purses and shawls. Waves of rage swept over her. It was as if she were living the humiliation all over again of Ben telling her that he wanted to be with other women. Belle shook violently, and her teeth chattered at the vividness of the memory.
And then Belle recalled the line of poetry from Dante Alighieri, In His will is our peace. She also recalled her promise to try to live up to Jesus’ teaching to pray about everything. Belle lifted her hands and said out loud, “O God, if You are real, please give me…” Suddenly she felt as though an electric shock had jolted her body, and she was left feeling as if liquid peace were oozing through her pores. She looked at her hands; they were steady and not trembling. She imagined herself going downstairs and continuing to dance—even dancing with Ben—and then she realized that she was smiling.
